CHAPTER FOUR

We did not speak about the terrible news for a great while. When we did speak again about our terrible situation, my mother argued that my brother and I should continue to live as husband and wife, and I should forget this unpleasant knowledge. I refused, however, as I knew I could not bear living with my own brother as husband and wife. My mother and I knew that if others discovered this news, our family would be ruined. She promised that she would leave me part of her fortune after her death, to calm me, but I disagreed with her answer to my frightening problem. I explained that if she died, no one else would believe my story, so I must return to England myself. Then, I told her how he had already threatened to put me into a crazy house, which had terrified me.

I told my mother that the only way for me to live was to return to England. I could not bear living with my brother as my husband. I suggested that my mother try to persuade her son to allow me to return to England, then explain the terrible secret to her son after I had left. She insisted that he would never allow me to leave, and I explained that I could not continue to live as my brother's wife. We continued to quarrel on this subject for quite some time.

At last, I decided that I must tell him. I could not bear living with him any longer. I told my mother of my plans; she was frightened, but I promised her that I would be gentle and careful in telling him. Finally, he promised me that he would not be angry about the news I was to tell him, and so I continued.

"Well, then," I said, "it is this: As I told you before that I was not your legal wife, so I must tell you now that we are not legal husband and wife because I am your own sister and you my own brother. We are both the children of our mother, now alive and in this house."

I saw him turn pale and look terrified. I waited a few moments for him to recover, then explained my discovery in detail. My poor brother suffered greatly after finding out this terrible news. After some time, he agreed to let me return to England, offering me supplies and money to take back to England. I immediately left for my home country with a good fortune. Unfortunately, however, my supplies and a great part of my fortune were lost at sea, as there were many storms along the way. I arrived in England, eight years after I had left for America. Now, however, I was alone, with a small fortune between two and three hundred pounds left, and no friends to help me. My friend that had helped me find my last husband, or my brother, was dead, as was her husband, as well.

I went to a small town outside of London, and soon found a room in the house of a kind woman. She realised that I had quite a small fortune, and did not ask me to pay rent during the winter months, which I greatly appreciated. At that time, a handsome gentleman came to stay in the same house, and showed a great interest in me, as the woman who owned the house told me. This man was quite a gentleman towards me. I soon told him that my husband had recently died, and I had just arrived from Virginia, but had lost part of my fortune during the voyage. The lady who owned the house told me that he often stayed at her home, but had a wife in a crazy house. They had not lived together as husband and wife in quite some time.

He often came into my room during the night, and I into his, but did nothing more than kiss me on the cheek. He was quite a modest gentleman, which delighted me. The woman who owned the house explained that he was a gentleman of great fortune and honour. She encouraged me to continue a friendship with the man.

After some time, I told him of my lost fortune. One day, he invited me into his room, and showed me a purse full of guineas. He asked me to take a handful of coins. I was confused at the request, but he repeated himself, begging me to trust him. Finally, I put my hand into his purse, and counted 50 guineas in my hand.

We lived together in this house for nearly three months before he began speaking of moving to London, asking me if I would go with him. I was uneasy about such a move, as I did not know his reason for inviting me. I had little fortune and no friends in the city. Therefore, I could not allow myself to be cheated. During the weeks that we were discussing his invitation to move to London, he became quite ill during a trip to another town. He sent a note to me, begging me to go visit him. I did go see him, and persuaded him to return to Bath, where I cared for him for five weeks as a loving wife would.

During his recovery, I moved my bed into his room, so I could care for him day and night. After he was cured, he gave me a present of fifty guineas for caring for him so tenderly. After he fully recovered, my bed was removed from his room, although he asked that I continue to sleep next to him in his bed. We slept in the same bed as brother and sister for over two years, as he promised me that I was not his mistress, but a dear friend.

"And now, my dear," he said, "you shall see how fair I will be to you, and that I can keep my word," as he came into my bed.

And he did not break his promise; we lived almost like husband and wife, quite content with each other until one night. We had both drunk a great deal of wine earlier in the evening, and when we went to bed, I told him that I would allow him to break his promise only on that night. He agreed; and so, we were no longer dear friends, as we became lovers that night. The next morning, we were both upset with ourselves for our terrible behaviour, but we still continued as lovers.

Some time after we began our love affair, I discovered that I was with child, and later gave birth to a son. I was quite worried about my situation, as I had very little money. My lover, however, promised me that I should not worry. He declared that he would always care for our son and myself, but we could not marry, as his wife was still alive, although still in a crazy house.

When my lover and I were quite sure that I was with child, I told the lady of the house. She was not surprised by this news, as she knew I would eventually be with child. She found me a nurse and cared for me while I waited to give birth to my child. She told my lover he should go to London during this time, so others would not discover our secret.

Soon after the darling child was born, I sent him a letter to announce the birth of our child. He was delighted with the news, and suggested that I come to London as soon as I recovered. I quickly prepared to leave, along with my dear child, the baby's nurse, and a servant. My lover had found a house for us to live in. I had never before lived in such wealth, and was quite pleased with my new situation. I knew, however, that this perfect happiness could end immediately, as I understood that men often grow tired of their mistresses. I worried often about him leaving me, as I would have no fortune to live on. I lived this way, happy but unhappy, during which time I gave birth to three children, but only the first of them lived.

One morning, after six years of living in this manner, I received a letter from him (he had been away on business). He explained that he was quite ill, but was being taken care of by his wife's relatives. Although, he admitted, he wished that I was there to cure him, instead of his wife's family. For the next two weeks, I heard nothing. After this time, I became quite concerned that he had not written. Another two weeks passed, and I became increasingly frightened at not hearing from my dear lover.

At this time, I found out his location, dressed myself as a servant, and went to his home. I discovered, from several of his servants, that the doctors said my poor lover might soon die. This worried me considerably, as I had little money to live on with our young child, although I had saved quite a bit of the money he had given me throughout the years.

The next month, however, I found out that he had recovered, and had left the city to rest in the countryside. Some time later, I discovered that he had recently returned to the city. I was content with that news, and believed that he would soon come to see me. I waited a week, and two weeks, and with much surprise nearly two months, and heard nothing. Another two months passed; I wrote him several letters, explaining my hopeless situation, begging him to come see our son and I. Finally, he responded to the last letter I had sent to him, although I only found out that he was leaving me. He told me that he had sent a letter to me some time before, desiring me to return to Bath to live, but I had not received that letter. He explained that during his illness, he had realised his terrible wrong in having a mistress. As he recovered, he decided that he would end our love affair, and never see me again. He felt terrible for leaving me alone with our child, but he could not continue, as his wife was still alive, and now lived with him and her family. And here is the letter I had waited so long to receive:

Madam,

I am surprised that my letter, dated the 8th of last month, was not received by you; I promise you that it was delivered to your home, and given to your maid.

I do not need to explain my illness to you, as I am quite sure you have discovered the news about how I was rather close to death, but have recovered completely. You should not be surprised to hear that our love affair has upset me greatly, and I have thought of it quite often during my illness. I will not say more; our mistake must end now and forgotten forever.

I wish you would think of going back to Bath. With this letter, I have also given you 50 pounds as payment for the apartment for the last few months. I hope it will not surprise you to say that I can see you no more. I will take care of the child; leave him where he is or take him with you. I hope you have had the same thoughts about our love affair, I believe your life will improve now that we are not in such a terrible situation.

This letter hurt me with a thousand wounds. I had known, even before our love affair began, that I would suffer in the end, as I now was. He had realized his evil doings, regretted them, and was now content with himself and his life. I, however, was the evil temptation he had given up, who he would think of with hatred.

I lived the next month in my sadness. I did not return to Bath; I was afraid the woman, whose house I had lived at, would persuade me into an evil affair again, as she had done with my lover. Besides, I did not want her to discover that he had left me.

And now, I was rather confused about what to do with my little boy. I would rather die than leave him, and yet I knew that we would both be in great danger if I traveled with him alone. I then decided to leave him; but then I concluded that I must be near him, too. So, I sent my gentleman a short letter that I had obeyed his orders, and would leave the child for him to care for, as I did not have the wealth to take care of our little boy. I asked that he give me 50 pounds to return to my mother in Virginia, as my gentleman knew that I had come from there when I met him. I then promised that I would never contact him again if he would send the 50 pounds. I did not plan to return to Virginia, however, but I knew that his 50 pounds would be the last I would receive. I intended to remain close to my son, to watch over him as he grew.

He sent me the 50 pounds, and our affair was finished. We had begun as close friends, but our desire for each other ended our simple life together, to eventually make me suffer, losing my lover and my dear boy.

I was now a single person again, as I had not heard from my husband who had left the country for fifteen years. With the 50 pounds my gentleman had sent me, I now had a small fortune of nearly 400 pounds. I should have had 500 pounds, but I lost 100 pounds doing business with quite an evil man, who stole my money. Now, I was in quite a different situation, being single, but much older, as I was forty-two years old. I looked younger than my true age, but I certainly did not look like a young woman, who could easily find a husband to marry.

I thought very carefully about what to do with my life, with no one in the world to care for me if I lost my fortune. I soon discovered that having no friends was the worst of problems for a woman. Men are able to conduct their own business and work for themselves, but women are not allowed that freedom. It seems that the more money a woman has, the more danger she is in of losing her fortune. I understood this problem, as I had lost 100 pounds through being cheated. I was now alone again in the world, with no one to guide or help me. I knew what I wanted, but I knew nothing about how to obtain it. I wanted to be settled in a place with no secret worries. If I had found an honest, good husband, I would have been a true, honorable wife to him. I was only evil and dishonest when I was in need. If I was never without money or had friends to help me, I would never have become the evil person that I have become. I would be a better wife, given the many difficulties I have had. During the times I was married, my husbands never worried about my behaviour, as I was always an excellent wife.

But all this was nothing; I found nothing to encourage me now. I waited; I lived carefully, spending very little money. I was terrified that I would soon be poor, with no one to help me. I had some money, but I did not know where to keep it safe.

After some time, an opportunity came to me. I was living in a house with a gentlewoman from the northern countryside. She often spoke about how inexpensive it was to live in the northern countryside, and how honest the people there were. After hearing such things quite often, I began to think of moving there. I told her she almost tempted me to go and live there; for I was now a widow, and had to be careful with my small fortune, and that I spent nearly 100 pounds a year living in London, with no servant and never leaving my home.

She was surprised when I told her this, as she had believed, like everyone else, that I was a woman of great fortune. She was pleased, however, to hear that I might be interested in going to her part of the country. She told me that she was leaving to visit her sister in Liverpool in two months, and suggested that I join her. She said her sister would be delighted to meet me, and if I was pleased with the city, she would easily find me cheap housing there with a family. I happily agreed to visit the city with her, hoping that what she told me was the truth, as I was now greatly disturbed about my living situation.

I had no one to advise me in how to keep my money safe. I was quite worried that I would one day be robbed of my small fortune. I was afraid to ask someone to help me, as if my money was lost or stolen, I would have nothing.

One morning, however, I went to the bank on business where I met an honest clerk who had corrected me when I had taken out less money than I should have. He could have not told me, and kept the money for himself, but instead, he very respectfully told me of my mistake and gave me the correct amount.

I went to him and asked if he would be my adviser, who was a poor, friendless woman whose husband had died. He told me that if I desired his opinion on anything, he would help me, and that he would not cheat me. I thought for a moment, then agreed. He explained that he had another clerk friend who would be able to help me more than he could, but promised that his friend was as honest as he was, and I should not fear being cheated.

"You will be satisfied with my friend, just as you are with me. He is thoroughly able to help you, which I am not."

It seems that he was quite busy with his bank work, and would not conduct business other than his bank work. He explained that his friend would charge me nothing for his advice, and this indeed encouraged me. That same evening, I met him and his friend. As soon as I met his friend, I knew he was as honest as the other, and trusted him immediately. Afterwards, I heard from others that he was, indeed, a sincere and honorable man.

After the first meeting, he told me to come the next day to discuss my situation further. The following day, I told him quite a bit more about my story, explaining that I was a widow who had returned from America, with no friends or family, and that I had a little money, but I was quite afraid of losing it. Having no friend to trust with the little money I had, I would be willing to leave my money in the bank, but did not know how to reclaim it while living in the north of England, where I would soon be going. He told me that I could easily keep my money safe in the bank as an account, from which I could take money out of in the north or in London.

He was quite honest and sweet with me, and I thought once or twice that he was interested in me. At last, however, I discovered he had a wife, but when he admitted that he did, indeed, have a wife, he looked quite disappointed and said that he had a wife, and no wife. I began to think that perhaps his wife was in a crazy house, as was the wife of my former lover, but we had no more time to speak of it. He asked that I meet him at his house for our next meeting to discuss my business affairs. I agreed to go, and desired to know where he lived.

"If you trust yourself with me," he said after he told me the way to his home.

"Yes, sir," said I, "I believe I should trust you with myself, for you have a wife, and I don't want a husband. Besides, I trust you with my money, which is all I have."

When I met him at his home, he suggested several times that I place my money in the bank, although he explained all the dangers of such a choice. I realised, as he spoke, that I had certainly found the honest man I wanted. I told him sincerely that I had never met a man or woman I could trust more than him.

He smiled, and told me that he was delighted to hear that I had so good an opinion of him. He promised he would not cheat me, and he would help me any way he could, but expected no salary from me. I explained that I had no family left, and that if I died, my fortune would be his, payment for being so faithful and true to me.

That evening, he admitted that he wished he was single, so we could marry. I smiled and told him that he was not.

He told me I was wrong, "for," said he, "as I said before, I have a wife and no wife, and it would not be evil to wish her dead."

"I know nothing about that situation, sir, but it cannot be honest to wish your wife dead."

"I have told you," said he again, "she is a wife and no wife. You don't understand how terrible a wife she is."

"That's true," said I, "I believe you to be an honest man, so I trust what you tell me."

"Well," said he, "she has cheated me, as she has had love affairs with other men, while we were married."

"Now, I better understand your anger," I told him, after a short silence. "You are too kind to her to call her your wife still."

(end of section)